Medical Trauma

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 8, 2009 by ltycks

On this week’s episode of Private Practice (I know, I know) they had a new doctor, Dr. Fife.  This character uses a wheelchair, one of the kinds that can enable a person to remain in a standing position.  I honestly wasn’t sure how I would feel using this type of chair: Would it remind me of walking?  Would I like it?  Would this terrify me?

I have what I like to call medical trauma.  After all, how can someone go through all this, particularly in childhood, and not have a permanent stamp on the psyche.  I think it is a form of being traumatized.  It’s not always there.  I like to think that I am usually pleasant, sometimes chipper.  But this?  Certain sounds, songs, smells, events… can trigger a flash flood of memories, much like a war veteran.

Funny thing is these memories can be pleasant (take running around in gym class) but there is the undercurrent of my then low self esteem combined with “If I only knew what would happen later?”  When I got my newest set of permawheels I was inundated by memories.  To me what comes next is a 60% rational, 40% irrational response to a painful trigger; one which no amount of rationalizing can really soothe.

I try hard to ground myself in facts, but sometimes it is so hard.  What if I was given a second chance?  What if there was a cure?  Would it be too emotionally painful to revisit certain physical abilities that I gave up so forever long ago?  I think things like the standing wheelchair are great for some people, just maybe not me…



Mommy? … I love you…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 8, 2009 by ltycks

IMG_0013That is what this tiny (but not THAT tiny) man said to me yesterday when we were at the table eating brunch.  Melted my heart.  Dubs and I both have bad allergies at the moment so Dubs spent the night last night and we shared the humidifier…

Best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while…



P.S. I bought another humidifier today.

Let Loose

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on November 6, 2009 by ltycks

That was me last night.  In the bathroom.  Doors shut. Crying.  In true middle school he loves me, he loves me not fashion.

We have Hubs’ Extendeds in town (this has not gone so well in the past, mind you). 

So I sit here with severe allergies and a broken ankle.  Sitting.  So I can serve the coffees, wash the dishes, unload the dishes, watch Dubs, entertain.  Again sitting.  When the doctor’s office tells me to lay down with three pillows under my foot.  Sleep deprived due to my cast.  And, missing work.

  I am miserable.  And I am burning so much vacation time on this stay that I am not taking off the week between Christmas and New Years, the week that my sweet Dubs is home.  And Hubs.

So I’m paranoid.  For being on the computer.  For sleeping in or napping when sleeping is what’s best for me because it rests my foot.  Not to mention my mind.  And I don’t go back to the office till Tuesday.

Thank You’s

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 5, 2009 by ltycks

My last post concerning my broken ankle seems to have generated a lot of support that I am infinitely grateful for…you readers rock!  Blogging and broken bones are both new to me, the latter of which leaves me vulnerable.  But not everything is about a broken foot, I get that.

When I am coping with any challenge, particularly those that are medical in nature, I try to deal with them in moderation – have time for feelings, to be honest with myself/Hubs (and others), but also to see the constants.  What has not, and will not change…

Who I am.  Who I love.  Who love me.

More to come.

Hugs and High Fives,



Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 5, 2009 by ltycks

Week 3.5 of a fractured ankle, here.  I had my second appointment with the doctor today.  I thought I could advocate for replacing the cast with the splint I got from the emergency room.  If for no other reason than the fact that it is getting harder and harder to sleep.  I also knew that they would remove my two-week-old cast, examine my skin and bones, and go from there (but most likely redo the cast).

Before the appointment, to which Dubs and MomMom accompanied me, I was opening our hall closet and saw my poor, lonely and new boot.   I was boot shopping on the day of my Fall, and promptly bought some boots the next day (I deserved them!).  Well I only got to the wear the right boot for 1.5 days before heading to the emergency room.  The boot’s presence saddened me.

So they remove the cast and I remember just how tender my foot was/is.  I remembered loathing sleeping at night out of fear that I might twist it, and the relief I had putting on the splint.  Things had been getting better though. I could have sworn

They do x-rays and I notice the bruise on my foot.  Where the fracture is.  I go back to the cast room; I see Doc who shows me the x-ray.

And last time, last time I could barely fathom a crack – even when they gestured all over it.  Doc says it’s showing signs of healing(good !) and that he wants to see me back in two weeks to most likely do another cast (bad! sort of).  He adds that the process can take eight to twelve weeks (he told me that last time too!) and that if I could walk, he would surgically put in a pin and screws (bad!).

Wow I had not expected the surgery part.  I go back to the part where I saw my boot in the closet, the crack on my bone, back to the boot, the crack…

I am so proud of my ability to keep sane during this process and feel tremendously blessed for my independence in spite of it (the process of healing a bone that is).  But I can almost feel my resolve fade.  Just a little.

I think I know I will be okay.  I have family and friends and spirituality to keep me afloat.  But tender, broken bones are unchartered ground for me.

So I ask of you, please share your stories of bone healing with me.  I feed off not being alone.

SpongeBob @ $1.07

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 4, 2009 by ltycks

Oh oh, beware here is a link to the new BK Kids Meal Toy,

Tonight, after a long day I looked at Hubs and said, “Let’s go out to eat.”  I was still recovering from Dubs’ spaghetti catastrophe dinner last night.    Our choice was Burger King for no other reason other than it’s close. And cheap.  And easy enough for small kids.  Not my idea of an epic family night out, but I’ll take it.  I made the mistake of pointing out the Baba (aka SpongeBob) toys to Dubs.  All we heard then was “I want Baba, I want Baba…”  Admittedly, he was not loud.

Fast forward to our “order” arriving (they actually brought it to our table), Hubs and I hide the toy so Dubs can focus on his chicken nuggets (that appearantly come in the form of crowns).  We did manage to catch a glimpse of the toy.  Turns out he got…


Needless to say Dubs, still fussing over the Baba display was not happy when he saw the pink side kick of SpongeBob.  And honestly, as much SpongeBob as we watch, I was kind of rooting for any one other than Patrick.  Dinner continues and Dubs oscillates between loving and hating Patrick.  Feeling quite the peace keeper I decided to buy him a Spongebob figure.  Hey, it turns out they are $1.07 – not bad, much cheaper than anything at Toys R Us.

It was then that I found out the sad news…they did not have any SpongeBobs.  Only Patricks and Squidwards.  Seriously?  No Sandy, no Gary, no jellyfish catching Spongebob.

Dubs happily played with Patrick AND Squidward all night.


Lucky Number

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 4, 2009 by ltycks

My lucky number must be three.  Trinities surround our culture.  In Hinduism there are the Lords Vishnu, Shiva, and Brahma – Goddesses Parvati, Durga and Kali, and of course, Christianity has it’s Holy Trinity.  I’m sure that I will find many more within minutes of “Google-ing” but you get the idea.  These are the thoughts that occurred to me on my drive home tonight:

12/21: find out I am pregnant (both numbers are multiples of three)

1/20: find out via ultrasound that our beloved baby stopped growing (1+20=21, a multiple of three)

1/17: based on the ultrasound on 1/20, I am pretty sure we actually lost our baby on this day (1+17=18, a multiple of three)

8/1: find out I am pregnant again (8+1=9, another multiple of three here)

11/16: find out I’m carrying a boy (11=16=27)

3/12: deliver Dubs

Neat, huh?