Archive for catharsis

Were you trying to walk or something?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 12, 2009 by ltycks

Umm no, buddy.  Please don’t ask me that.  Anyone.  Okay?

An acquaintance asked me that in reference to how I broke my ankle.  In public.  Someone who sees me weekly -in a wheelchair.

How did I fall?  Well let’s just say it is the first and last time I did or did not do something in a moving vehicle.  Always wear your seatbelts kids.

To say I was urked by this remark is putting it in light terms.  I think this individual meant no foul play, but ouch.  I have fallen in my permawheels state of living numerous times.  Off the toilet.  Out of bed.  Trying to get off the couch…

Even worse, at a younger  more heartbroken and desperate  age I had tried walking.  In vain.  After my disease progressed and I knew I was losing this wonderful thing ability.

I remember once at age eleven…the start of junior high…walking/lopsidedly-running with no balance.  In my room.  In “secret.”  My mom saw me and knew I was upset.  I lied and told her it was because I wanted makeup.

That weekend I bought my first items of make up.  Artmatic.  Two lip sticks and one blush compact with two shades of pink blush.  Those gold letters will always have this association for me. 

A year later, I tried standing barefoot against my bed.  One of my aunts always told me to just *try.*  I fell, tore my nail, and had to have it removed in the emergency room.

These memories are so fresh and are flooding my mind.  Because of one innocent, albeit rude, question.

Call it PTSD.

Medical Trauma

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 8, 2009 by ltycks

On this week’s episode of Private Practice (I know, I know) they had a new doctor, Dr. Fife.  This character uses a wheelchair, one of the kinds that can enable a person to remain in a standing position.  This.really.intrigued.me.as.a.disabled.person.  I honestly wasn’t sure how I would feel using this type of chair: Would it remind me of walking?  Would I like it?  Would this terrify me?

I have what I like to call medical trauma.  After all, how can someone go through all this, particularly in childhood, and not have a permanent stamp on the psyche.  I think it is a form of being traumatized.  It’s not always there.  I like to think that I am usually pleasant, sometimes chipper.  But this?  Certain sounds, songs, smells, events… can trigger a flash flood of memories, much like a war veteran.

Funny thing is these memories can be pleasant (take running around in gym class) but there is the undercurrent of my then low self esteem combined with “If I only knew what would happen later?”  When I got my newest set of permawheels I was inundated by memories.  To me what comes next is a 60% rational, 40% irrational response to a painful trigger; one which no amount of rationalizing can really soothe.

I try hard to ground myself in facts, but sometimes it is so hard.  What if I was given a second chance?  What if there was a cure?  Would it be too emotionally painful to revisit certain physical abilities that I gave up so forever long ago?  I think things like the standing wheelchair are great for some people, just maybe not me…

 

Let Loose

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on November 6, 2009 by ltycks

That was me last night.  In the bathroom.  Doors shut. Crying.  In true middle school he loves me, he loves me not fashion.

We have Hubs’ Extendeds in town (this has not gone so well in the past, mind you). 

So I sit here with severe allergies and a broken ankle.  Sitting.  So I can serve the coffees, wash the dishes, unload the dishes, watch Dubs, entertain.  Again sitting.  When the doctor’s office tells me to lay down with three pillows under my foot.  Sleep deprived due to my cast.  And, missing work.

  I am miserable.  And I am burning so much vacation time on this stay that I am not taking off the week between Christmas and New Years, the week that my sweet Dubs is home.  And Hubs.

So I’m paranoid.  For being on the computer.  For sleeping in or napping when sleeping is what’s best for me because it rests my foot.  Not to mention my mind.  And I don’t go back to the office till Tuesday.

(Fore)Cast

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 5, 2009 by ltycks

Week 3.5 of a fractured ankle, here.  I had my second appointment with the doctor today.  I thought I could advocate for replacing the cast with the splint I got from the emergency room.  If for no other reason than the fact that it is getting harder and harder to sleep.  I also knew that they would remove my two-week-old cast, examine my skin and bones, and go from there (but most likely redo the cast).

Before the appointment, to which Dubs and MomMom accompanied me, I was opening our hall closet and saw my poor, lonely and new boot.   I was boot shopping on the day of my Fall, and promptly bought some boots the next day (I deserved them!).  Well I only got to the wear the right boot for 1.5 days before heading to the emergency room.  The boot’s presence saddened me.

So they remove the cast and I remember just how tender my foot was/is.  I remembered loathing sleeping at night out of fear that I might twist it, and the relief I had putting on the splint.  Things had been getting better though. I could have sworn

They do x-rays and I notice the bruise on my foot.  Where the fracture is.  I go back to the cast room; I see Doc who shows me the x-ray.  The.fracture.is.noticeable.to.my.untrained.eye.

And last time, last time I could barely fathom a crack – even when they gestured all over it.  Doc says it’s showing signs of healing(good !) and that he wants to see me back in two weeks to most likely do another cast (bad! sort of).  He adds that the process can take eight to twelve weeks (he told me that last time too!) and that if I could walk, he would surgically put in a pin and screws (bad!).

Wow I had not expected the surgery part.  I go back to the part where I saw my boot in the closet, the crack on my bone, back to the boot, the crack…

I am so proud of my ability to keep sane during this process and feel tremendously blessed for my independence in spite of it (the process of healing a bone that is).  But I can almost feel my resolve fade.  Just a little.

I think I know I will be okay.  I have family and friends and spirituality to keep me afloat.  But tender, broken bones are unchartered ground for me.

So I ask of you, please share your stories of bone healing with me.  I feed off not being alone.

Desperate Housewife Much?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 3, 2009 by ltycks

Rollerbabe.is.about.to.have.guests.  This has never happened to me before – most likely because I have never co/owned property for which others can stay over at.  Much is going through my mind. Particularly the equation:

   wife + disability < ideal host 

So let me explain.  I feel like I am less of that Gone with the Wind/Southern belle ideal image of a host, the type my mom is.  Let’s face it archetypes start at a young age.  Newlywededness depressed the daylights out of me.  I felt like this:

ME = incapable 

and ME + Hubs < balanced family

Hubs had to do EVERYTHING (okay not everything but 96% of it all) and I thought there was no way I could make him happy.  My broodings broke Hubs’ heart.  After therapy, a miscarriage, and heartache I learned this:

ME + Hubs > 98% of marriages….we truly make each other happy 😉

and then came this:

ME + Hubs + happy + 9 months = Dubs

and then Dubs + ME = OMG I have never been this happy.

But do others see us this way?  I know that what we have is so solid to have survived crazywife mathematics 101 so much. 

But at the end of the day sometimes I just wish I can do more…

Audacity

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 31, 2009 by ltycks

Last night we bundled up Dubs and headed out for some grocery shopping.  Thankfully after a couple tantrumy experiences we have learned to bring Dubs snacks when we go to the grocery store.  He hasn’t learned that we can’t just snack off the shelves (who can resist THAT).  Well once I parked something immediately caught my eye: a car had parked in the zebra to my left.  No, it wasn’t that the driver had taken up a little bit of the zebra.  The driver had parked his/her car entirely in the zebra.

Hubs suggested that I check to see if there was a disabled placard on plate on the car (i.e. is there a rational reason for this?).  So I did.  Nothing.  No “evidence” that anyone who rode in the car needed to be that close to the building for medical/ethical reasons, nor was there reason to believe that the driver of this car was in any way being considerate of other, not to mention that there parking lot was not very crowded as there were other handicapped and non-handicapped spaces near the building.

Here are my thoughts as a disabled driver:

I need a zebra to my right so my ramp can lower,

Other people need zebras on their left,

If I cannot get a space with a zebra, I need to double park,

If I double park, I need to make sure to leave enough room for my ramp and chair, but not so much that a (compact) car can squeeze by me,

If I get ticketed for this (double parking) I must go over this list with the police to avoid having to pay the ticket.

Back to last night.  I debated in my head whether or not to report this car to customer services.  I got out of my van didn’t I?  Maybe they had a valid reason for being so…audacious?  Do I want to be that person?  Is this tattling?  Is Hubs bothered by this?

I ended up so conflicted that I had Hubs tell customer service.  It’s not easy to admit this, but sometimes when I see people treat me with disrespect (and I think disrespect describes the scene I saw in the parking lot), I shrink up within myself and I don’t speak out.  I think there are lots of people that do this.  I do credit myself with sharing my concerns with an ally (Hubs), which is better than doing nothing.

When we left the store the car was gone.  I’d hate to think they paid $400 in towing fees.  I’d equally hate it, however, if they prevent me or someone else from getting their last minute dinner groceries in the future.

(Not so) Funny thing is…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 28, 2009 by ltycks

My new wheelchair (Pride Quantium 6000Z) is only 5 months old (more like one week shy of 5 months…and since we are potentially talking warranties that is approximately 1/20 less time that I have used it).  Since then I have replaced the foot pads (might be my fault/Dubs’ fault. Might be…), the JOYSTICK, the brushes (I also do not know what those are) and both MOTORS.  Must of which is being nonarguably covered by warranty – but can you, as any corporation worth it’s name, tell me that MOTORS wearing down in five months is your average wear-and-tear?  Maybe, just maybe, if I threw my 300lb chair down a flight of stairs (but that wouldn’t be wear-and-tear.  It would clearly be my fault, but no wear-and-tear).  Well they did.  Fortunately the wheelchair techs wouldn’t have it and they are both being replaced.  For free. Minus about $200 in labor.

I want my money back; I want my money back…