Archive for the heebeegeebies

Wednesday, only 72 hours away…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 15, 2009 by ltycks

Wednesday is a BIG day for me…

Having my ankle looked at again.  Cast off.  X-rays.  Cast on? (Hopefully not!)

Then the wheelchair guys are coming to fix my new chair that has been out of commission, ironically, for as long as my foot has been broken.  Purely a coincidence.

It has been an uphill battle with this chair.

Wish me good luck(s).

Were you trying to walk or something?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 12, 2009 by ltycks

Umm no, buddy.  Please don’t ask me that.  Anyone.  Okay?

An acquaintance asked me that in reference to how I broke my ankle.  In public.  Someone who sees me weekly -in a wheelchair.

How did I fall?  Well let’s just say it is the first and last time I did or did not do something in a moving vehicle.  Always wear your seatbelts kids.

To say I was urked by this remark is putting it in light terms.  I think this individual meant no foul play, but ouch.  I have fallen in my permawheels state of living numerous times.  Off the toilet.  Out of bed.  Trying to get off the couch…

Even worse, at a younger  more heartbroken and desperate  age I had tried walking.  In vain.  After my disease progressed and I knew I was losing this wonderful thing ability.

I remember once at age eleven…the start of junior high…walking/lopsidedly-running with no balance.  In my room.  In “secret.”  My mom saw me and knew I was upset.  I lied and told her it was because I wanted makeup.

That weekend I bought my first items of make up.  Artmatic.  Two lip sticks and one blush compact with two shades of pink blush.  Those gold letters will always have this association for me. 

A year later, I tried standing barefoot against my bed.  One of my aunts always told me to just *try.*  I fell, tore my nail, and had to have it removed in the emergency room.

These memories are so fresh and are flooding my mind.  Because of one innocent, albeit rude, question.

Call it PTSD.

Medical Trauma

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 8, 2009 by ltycks

On this week’s episode of Private Practice (I know, I know) they had a new doctor, Dr. Fife.  This character uses a wheelchair, one of the kinds that can enable a person to remain in a standing position.  This.really.intrigued.me.as.a.disabled.person.  I honestly wasn’t sure how I would feel using this type of chair: Would it remind me of walking?  Would I like it?  Would this terrify me?

I have what I like to call medical trauma.  After all, how can someone go through all this, particularly in childhood, and not have a permanent stamp on the psyche.  I think it is a form of being traumatized.  It’s not always there.  I like to think that I am usually pleasant, sometimes chipper.  But this?  Certain sounds, songs, smells, events… can trigger a flash flood of memories, much like a war veteran.

Funny thing is these memories can be pleasant (take running around in gym class) but there is the undercurrent of my then low self esteem combined with “If I only knew what would happen later?”  When I got my newest set of permawheels I was inundated by memories.  To me what comes next is a 60% rational, 40% irrational response to a painful trigger; one which no amount of rationalizing can really soothe.

I try hard to ground myself in facts, but sometimes it is so hard.  What if I was given a second chance?  What if there was a cure?  Would it be too emotionally painful to revisit certain physical abilities that I gave up so forever long ago?  I think things like the standing wheelchair are great for some people, just maybe not me…

 

(Fore)Cast

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 5, 2009 by ltycks

Week 3.5 of a fractured ankle, here.  I had my second appointment with the doctor today.  I thought I could advocate for replacing the cast with the splint I got from the emergency room.  If for no other reason than the fact that it is getting harder and harder to sleep.  I also knew that they would remove my two-week-old cast, examine my skin and bones, and go from there (but most likely redo the cast).

Before the appointment, to which Dubs and MomMom accompanied me, I was opening our hall closet and saw my poor, lonely and new boot.   I was boot shopping on the day of my Fall, and promptly bought some boots the next day (I deserved them!).  Well I only got to the wear the right boot for 1.5 days before heading to the emergency room.  The boot’s presence saddened me.

So they remove the cast and I remember just how tender my foot was/is.  I remembered loathing sleeping at night out of fear that I might twist it, and the relief I had putting on the splint.  Things had been getting better though. I could have sworn

They do x-rays and I notice the bruise on my foot.  Where the fracture is.  I go back to the cast room; I see Doc who shows me the x-ray.  The.fracture.is.noticeable.to.my.untrained.eye.

And last time, last time I could barely fathom a crack – even when they gestured all over it.  Doc says it’s showing signs of healing(good !) and that he wants to see me back in two weeks to most likely do another cast (bad! sort of).  He adds that the process can take eight to twelve weeks (he told me that last time too!) and that if I could walk, he would surgically put in a pin and screws (bad!).

Wow I had not expected the surgery part.  I go back to the part where I saw my boot in the closet, the crack on my bone, back to the boot, the crack…

I am so proud of my ability to keep sane during this process and feel tremendously blessed for my independence in spite of it (the process of healing a bone that is).  But I can almost feel my resolve fade.  Just a little.

I think I know I will be okay.  I have family and friends and spirituality to keep me afloat.  But tender, broken bones are unchartered ground for me.

So I ask of you, please share your stories of bone healing with me.  I feed off not being alone.

Audacity

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 31, 2009 by ltycks

Last night we bundled up Dubs and headed out for some grocery shopping.  Thankfully after a couple tantrumy experiences we have learned to bring Dubs snacks when we go to the grocery store.  He hasn’t learned that we can’t just snack off the shelves (who can resist THAT).  Well once I parked something immediately caught my eye: a car had parked in the zebra to my left.  No, it wasn’t that the driver had taken up a little bit of the zebra.  The driver had parked his/her car entirely in the zebra.

Hubs suggested that I check to see if there was a disabled placard on plate on the car (i.e. is there a rational reason for this?).  So I did.  Nothing.  No “evidence” that anyone who rode in the car needed to be that close to the building for medical/ethical reasons, nor was there reason to believe that the driver of this car was in any way being considerate of other, not to mention that there parking lot was not very crowded as there were other handicapped and non-handicapped spaces near the building.

Here are my thoughts as a disabled driver:

I need a zebra to my right so my ramp can lower,

Other people need zebras on their left,

If I cannot get a space with a zebra, I need to double park,

If I double park, I need to make sure to leave enough room for my ramp and chair, but not so much that a (compact) car can squeeze by me,

If I get ticketed for this (double parking) I must go over this list with the police to avoid having to pay the ticket.

Back to last night.  I debated in my head whether or not to report this car to customer services.  I got out of my van didn’t I?  Maybe they had a valid reason for being so…audacious?  Do I want to be that person?  Is this tattling?  Is Hubs bothered by this?

I ended up so conflicted that I had Hubs tell customer service.  It’s not easy to admit this, but sometimes when I see people treat me with disrespect (and I think disrespect describes the scene I saw in the parking lot), I shrink up within myself and I don’t speak out.  I think there are lots of people that do this.  I do credit myself with sharing my concerns with an ally (Hubs), which is better than doing nothing.

When we left the store the car was gone.  I’d hate to think they paid $400 in towing fees.  I’d equally hate it, however, if they prevent me or someone else from getting their last minute dinner groceries in the future.

Can I just say?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 21, 2009 by ltycks

Having a broken ankle, excuse me, tibia, really hurts. Sharp pain, tingles, you name it I’ve got it.  I realize I don’t weight bear to begin with, but I still use my foot a lot. Balance. Repositioning. Okay, come to think of it maybe those are the only things I do with it. But man, settling into bed or onto the recliner hurts.  Although I’m not juggling crutches, nor are people stoping and staring any more than usual.

And at the risky of sound mushy-gushy, this has brought Hubs and I closer.  A lot closer.  I truly am blessed in that regard.