Archive for thought train

Were you trying to walk or something?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 12, 2009 by ltycks

Umm no, buddy.  Please don’t ask me that.  Anyone.  Okay?

An acquaintance asked me that in reference to how I broke my ankle.  In public.  Someone who sees me weekly -in a wheelchair.

How did I fall?  Well let’s just say it is the first and last time I did or did not do something in a moving vehicle.  Always wear your seatbelts kids.

To say I was urked by this remark is putting it in light terms.  I think this individual meant no foul play, but ouch.  I have fallen in my permawheels state of living numerous times.  Off the toilet.  Out of bed.  Trying to get off the couch…

Even worse, at a younger  more heartbroken and desperate  age I had tried walking.  In vain.  After my disease progressed and I knew I was losing this wonderful thing ability.

I remember once at age eleven…the start of junior high…walking/lopsidedly-running with no balance.  In my room.  In “secret.”  My mom saw me and knew I was upset.  I lied and told her it was because I wanted makeup.

That weekend I bought my first items of make up.  Artmatic.  Two lip sticks and one blush compact with two shades of pink blush.  Those gold letters will always have this association for me. 

A year later, I tried standing barefoot against my bed.  One of my aunts always told me to just *try.*  I fell, tore my nail, and had to have it removed in the emergency room.

These memories are so fresh and are flooding my mind.  Because of one innocent, albeit rude, question.

Call it PTSD.


Work Tommorrow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on November 10, 2009 by ltycks

After a six day weekend (or four days off work) I am kind of fearing tommorrow.  I feel like this has been somewhat of an emotional and physical struggle for me.  My new cast hurts and I’ve done a lot of mental processing.  Today was a good day; saw a friend, went to the zoo, took Dubs on the train, had furniture bought for us as a gift.  A good day.

I am looking to expand my blog reading.  If you are reading this, and you have a bloggity-blog, kindly share?  I’d love to meet you.

Tommorrow I am going to a hockey game with my favorite Fan.  Score.

Medical Trauma

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 8, 2009 by ltycks

On this week’s episode of Private Practice (I know, I know) they had a new doctor, Dr. Fife.  This character uses a wheelchair, one of the kinds that can enable a person to remain in a standing position.  I honestly wasn’t sure how I would feel using this type of chair: Would it remind me of walking?  Would I like it?  Would this terrify me?

I have what I like to call medical trauma.  After all, how can someone go through all this, particularly in childhood, and not have a permanent stamp on the psyche.  I think it is a form of being traumatized.  It’s not always there.  I like to think that I am usually pleasant, sometimes chipper.  But this?  Certain sounds, songs, smells, events… can trigger a flash flood of memories, much like a war veteran.

Funny thing is these memories can be pleasant (take running around in gym class) but there is the undercurrent of my then low self esteem combined with “If I only knew what would happen later?”  When I got my newest set of permawheels I was inundated by memories.  To me what comes next is a 60% rational, 40% irrational response to a painful trigger; one which no amount of rationalizing can really soothe.

I try hard to ground myself in facts, but sometimes it is so hard.  What if I was given a second chance?  What if there was a cure?  Would it be too emotionally painful to revisit certain physical abilities that I gave up so forever long ago?  I think things like the standing wheelchair are great for some people, just maybe not me…


Thank You’s

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 5, 2009 by ltycks

My last post concerning my broken ankle seems to have generated a lot of support that I am infinitely grateful for…you readers rock!  Blogging and broken bones are both new to me, the latter of which leaves me vulnerable.  But not everything is about a broken foot, I get that.

When I am coping with any challenge, particularly those that are medical in nature, I try to deal with them in moderation – have time for feelings, to be honest with myself/Hubs (and others), but also to see the constants.  What has not, and will not change…

Who I am.  Who I love.  Who love me.

More to come.

Hugs and High Fives,


Lucky Number

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 4, 2009 by ltycks

My lucky number must be three.  Trinities surround our culture.  In Hinduism there are the Lords Vishnu, Shiva, and Brahma – Goddesses Parvati, Durga and Kali, and of course, Christianity has it’s Holy Trinity.  I’m sure that I will find many more within minutes of “Google-ing” but you get the idea.  These are the thoughts that occurred to me on my drive home tonight:

12/21: find out I am pregnant (both numbers are multiples of three)

1/20: find out via ultrasound that our beloved baby stopped growing (1+20=21, a multiple of three)

1/17: based on the ultrasound on 1/20, I am pretty sure we actually lost our baby on this day (1+17=18, a multiple of three)

8/1: find out I am pregnant again (8+1=9, another multiple of three here)

11/16: find out I’m carrying a boy (11=16=27)

3/12: deliver Dubs

Neat, huh?

Desperate Housewife Much?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 3, 2009 by ltycks  This has never happened to me before – most likely because I have never co/owned property for which others can stay over at.  Much is going through my mind. Particularly the equation:

   wife + disability < ideal host 

So let me explain.  I feel like I am less of that Gone with the Wind/Southern belle ideal image of a host, the type my mom is.  Let’s face it archetypes start at a young age.  Newlywededness depressed the daylights out of me.  I felt like this:

ME = incapable 

and ME + Hubs < balanced family

Hubs had to do EVERYTHING (okay not everything but 96% of it all) and I thought there was no way I could make him happy.  My broodings broke Hubs’ heart.  After therapy, a miscarriage, and heartache I learned this:

ME + Hubs > 98% of marriages….we truly make each other happy 😉

and then came this:

ME + Hubs + happy + 9 months = Dubs

and then Dubs + ME = OMG I have never been this happy.

But do others see us this way?  I know that what we have is so solid to have survived crazywife mathematics 101 so much. 

But at the end of the day sometimes I just wish I can do more…


Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 31, 2009 by ltycks

Last night we bundled up Dubs and headed out for some grocery shopping.  Thankfully after a couple tantrumy experiences we have learned to bring Dubs snacks when we go to the grocery store.  He hasn’t learned that we can’t just snack off the shelves (who can resist THAT).  Well once I parked something immediately caught my eye: a car had parked in the zebra to my left.  No, it wasn’t that the driver had taken up a little bit of the zebra.  The driver had parked his/her car entirely in the zebra.

Hubs suggested that I check to see if there was a disabled placard on plate on the car (i.e. is there a rational reason for this?).  So I did.  Nothing.  No “evidence” that anyone who rode in the car needed to be that close to the building for medical/ethical reasons, nor was there reason to believe that the driver of this car was in any way being considerate of other, not to mention that there parking lot was not very crowded as there were other handicapped and non-handicapped spaces near the building.

Here are my thoughts as a disabled driver:

I need a zebra to my right so my ramp can lower,

Other people need zebras on their left,

If I cannot get a space with a zebra, I need to double park,

If I double park, I need to make sure to leave enough room for my ramp and chair, but not so much that a (compact) car can squeeze by me,

If I get ticketed for this (double parking) I must go over this list with the police to avoid having to pay the ticket.

Back to last night.  I debated in my head whether or not to report this car to customer services.  I got out of my van didn’t I?  Maybe they had a valid reason for being so…audacious?  Do I want to be that person?  Is this tattling?  Is Hubs bothered by this?

I ended up so conflicted that I had Hubs tell customer service.  It’s not easy to admit this, but sometimes when I see people treat me with disrespect (and I think disrespect describes the scene I saw in the parking lot), I shrink up within myself and I don’t speak out.  I think there are lots of people that do this.  I do credit myself with sharing my concerns with an ally (Hubs), which is better than doing nothing.

When we left the store the car was gone.  I’d hate to think they paid $400 in towing fees.  I’d equally hate it, however, if they prevent me or someone else from getting their last minute dinner groceries in the future.